


I Need You

by DeepCarmine



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Fireworks, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Build, Tokyo - Freeform, emotionally challenged character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:11:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3283208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeepCarmine/pseuds/DeepCarmine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru and Makoto find themselves in the city of 13 million people, and real life starts to kick in. In the midst of the constantly changing Tokyo, will their friendship and hearts change too?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tokyo Lights

There he was, standing for red traffic light in the middle of the biggest crowd of people he’s ever seen in his entire life, right in the middle of Shibuya crossing on Monday night. Haru can feel a light tremor running through his body, and since it’s the beginning of April, the warm spring night couldn’t be the cause. Gingerly, he lifted his gaze up and looked around.

For Haru, Tokyo always feels too much. Everywhere his eyes landed, it’s tall glass buildings, lights after bright lights after even brighter lights. His eyes hurt and he closes them, trying to calm his heart that’s pounding hard in his chest. The sounds, he can hear all of them at once. People talking on the phone, chatting animatedly to each other, and the blaring ads. He can hear different tunes of catchy pop songs assaulted his senses from every direction, blending chaotically with honking cars and random laughters.

The dizziness came without warning, and his head swam. With short breath now, he squeezed his eyes shut even harder, but the lights’ still there, burning through his eyelids. Haru took his mind back to Iwatobi with its  gentle waves, tranquil nights and quiet mornings, and the streets with dim lights that just feels warm and right. He remembers the cool breeze and poplar trees in spring, and the cheerful, familiar ring of bicycle bells.

He took a deep breath again to calm his nerves and opens his eyes, but his vision’s swimming. And right that moment, the green light is on, and the crowd move forward in unison to every direction. By reflex, his feet took him forward, blindly following a pair of feet in black leather boots in front of him. His feet feels heavy and so does his breath, and all he can hear now is the violent drumming of his heartbeat. When he looks up to see where he is going and where he should be going, everything went hazy, and Haru  stopped dead on his track. He just realized on that moment, he can’t remember and can’t recognize where he should go. The streets and building looks alien, and when he forced himself to find the answer in his mind that he knows is there, he came up with nothing, only blank.

He looks around, only finding more and more people passing by in all direction. He tried so hard to tell his body to calm down and think, to do something, but all he can feel is his overwhelming panic, all he can hear is footsteps after footsteps, and all he can think about is _‘this is not real... this doesn’t feel real.’_

The crowd is thinning out, and the only thing Haru can do now is to haul himself onto the closest sidewalk he could see. He’s there again, in the middle of another moving crowd and chatter. Sitting himself on the closest bench he could find, Haru stared at the ground and noticed his hands trembling on top of his lap. He’s sweating profusely, nauseous and hyperventilates.

 _‘what happened to me?’_ he thought again and again, finding no answer whatsoever, the only thing he knows is he’s lost not because he doesn’t know the way home, but because his mind and body is not processing in the right way.

 _‘What should I do now?’_ , he looked around watching people walk by, considering to ask the direction to his place in Udagawa. But the sight of people walking fast is blurry to him, and as much as he hates to admit it, he never ask for direction to anyone before in his life. All this time, even when they’re lost back in Iwatobi when they were kids, it has been Makoto’s job to approach people, put on a smile and ask where they both should go.

By reflex, he searched for his phone inside his shoulder bag, and dialled Makoto’s number. The dial tone rings, and even since the first ring, Haru had started to get angry at himself.

Makoto picked up on the third ring.

 “Haru?”

Makoto sounds worried. Haru couldn’t answer, his mind is too busy scolding himself inside.

 “Haru, what’s wrong?”

Of course he knows something is wrong.

“Makoto.”, it’s all he could mutter with his labored breath, his heart still hammering in his chest, he can feel it in his skull.

“It’s sounds noisy over there. Where are you?”, Makoto sounds panic now. Haru took another deep breath, pushing himself to speak.

“Shibuya.. crossing.”

He can hear sound of rustling and thumping here and there, and a faint jingle of keys.

“I’m coming now. Stay where you are, ok?”, he sounds like he’s running already, and he hung up.

Haru sighed. Coming? It is 9.30 pm and it took more than 35 minutes from Makoto’s dorm to Shibuya, Haru knows this. He wants to call makoto back to say he doesn’t have to come, that he will manage this himself, but Haru knows whatever he says, Makoto will still come anyway.

_‘Then why you called him in the first place?’_

The same voice who scold himself earlier inside his head asks, and Haru can feel his chest tightens. His mind took him back to their chilhood mornings, just before school, under those steps on his bike, waiting for Makoto to come out of the door of his house and flash him his usual warm smile. Even back then, the voice taunts him too.

He needs Makoto, he knows this. He thought as they grown up, the bitterness and resentment he felt at times like this will disappear, but it’s still there, rooting and growing inside of him like a parasite. He doesn’t know who it’s directed to; to himself? To Makoto? Or maybe both of them.

Trying again to find some escape from the lights, he looked up to the night sky.

 _‘Ah, that’s right,’_ , he thought.

_‘I can’t see the stars from here.’_

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

 

 “Haru!”

Makoto arrived 20 minutes later, faster than he should be. He’s running, his backpack bouncing on his back, brown hair clearly visible inside the crowd.

He went straight to Haru, eyes wide, catching his labored breathing. He looks anxious in some way. Haru stay silent and watch him sit down beside him on the bench, shoulders hunched by fatigue. 

“Sorry I took so long, I didn’t know exactly where you are.”

Ah... he didn’t told Makoto where his waiting location was.

“Sorry.”, He mutters.

“No, I should’ve asked. That’s silly of me.”, Makoto laughed, still panting. A second later, his gaze fell on Haru’s trembling hands and his smile gone in an instant.

“Haru?”

Haru avert his eyes to the ground. He didn’t know how to explain all those things he was feeling to Makoto. He didn’t understand what he’s experiencing himself, so how can he even explain? Haru settled with short answer instead.

“I got lost.”

Wihtout even looking, Haru can feel Makoto’s worried gaze on him, and can almost hear the wheel turning inside his head. He does this a lot, trying to figure him out.

“Are you okay now? Should we sit here longer, or should we go?”

He asked him with a concern smile, and Haru knows what Makoto meant with ‘should we go’ is for him to walk Haru back to his apartment, away from the crowd.

He’s still as meddlesome as always.

“I know the way back.”

 _‘Then why did you call him in the first place?’,_ the voice taunts him again.

“I know.”, Makoto smiles. “It’s just shock and panic, Haru.”

Of course he figured it out.

Makoto filled the next fifteen minutes with his usual chit chat, in an attempt to bring Haru to relax. He told Haru he likes his campus and the change of atmosphere, that it’s refreshing. He told him about his dorm mates, a bunch of names and where they’re from, which Makoto manages to memorize in such a short time. Haru thinks Makoto is always like this. He can blend in well enough wherever he is, and embracing change with so much ease. 

“It’s just orientation today too for you isn’t it? So, how was it Haru? You like your college?”

A bunch of things running through Haru’s mind. _‘It’s feels weird’_ was the first in line. Everything is new. It’s a different kind of new from Australia, because back then, Rin was with him and it gives him a sense of security he doesn’t feel when he’s alone. The classrooms, library, cafeteria, everything is new and alien. Strangers talked to him and ask him questions sometimes all at once, everyone is so eager to know each other on their first day. Outside though, is a different story. His campus has a big grassfield near the entrance, as big as his eyes can see. Near the administrative building away from the main college building, there are sakura trees everywhere, and it’s in full bloom right now. Haru loves it there.

“It’s okay.”, he sums it up for Makoto. Makoto smiles, taking his answer as a good sign.

“You went swimming yet?”, he asked again.

“Yeah.” As soon as he saw the big pool, he swam right away. That’s what got him into this mess in the first place, walking home so late. He always forgot about time when he’s swimming.

Makoto told him what he had for lunch in the cafeteria, and when he asked Haru about it, he just shrugged.

“... they dont have mackerel there, so i settle with tuna.”

Makoto laughed. “You have so much in your fridge already. You can eat it whenever you want.”

They got up then, walk together and blending in the stream of people, chatting quietly. On that moment, everything feels the same as before. The same walk they have together for years back in Iwatobi, but with different place, different light, different sky.

 Eventually they arrive at the crossing and Makoto looks around, then back at haru. Haru can feel his heart beats faster again, the tremble’s coming back, and he can feel makoto staring at him with worry without even looking. He stared at the ground again.

“Haru.” Makoto called out to him, puling him back from his daze. “It’s okay.”

“I know where i’m going now. I was just—“

Haru tried one more time, unfinished words hanging in the air.

Makoto smiles again. “I know.”

And when the light flash green, “Come on.”,  Makoto reached out his hand. 

And when Haru took it, he pulled him forward, leading him to the right direction anyway.

 

  


	2. Last Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fireworks time.

 

“Eeeh? What—“, Makoto blinks again and again, can’t really believe his eyes.

“Just ignore them.”, Haru said, fishing for his entry card from his pocket.

No matter how much Makoto wants to, it’s not that easy to ignore an army of mannequins in colorful, frilly, racy lingerie. Of all the possibilities in the world, Nanase Haruka living in front of a racy lingerie shop never ever once crossed his mind.

“How in the world your parents chose this place for you!?”, he asked Haru, heat creeping up his cheeks and ears.

“It’s closed when they’re here checking out the place.”

 _‘Opening Hours 5pm – 7am’_ it said on the glass door.

_And how in the world this doesn’t bother him at all?_

Haru opens the gate and together, they climb the grey concrete ladder in silence.

They arrived in front of Haru’s flat about 10 minutes from the crossing. It’s a 3 storeys apartment building with light grey brick walls, located in one of narrow and cramped alley in Udagawacho. On their way back earlier, they walked past dozens of little shops; wearable art clothing, cafes, game centre, ramen shop, pizzerias, pottery shop, and even a feather shop. You can find anything in this area, and it’s only 15 minutes walk from Haru’s college, which is why Haru’s parent insist to rent it for him in the first place.

Other boys their age would probably psyched to live there, it’s a very lively and vibrant neighborhood after all, the kind that won’t leave you bored with nothing to do or see, but for Haru, Makoto just can’t find himself to completely in peace with the idea. It just seem so strange and out of place for Haru to be there. All the hustle and bustle feels too much, even for Makoto.

They arrived on the third floor, where Haru’s place is. Haru opened the door and just waltz in, leaving Makoto to close the door. He just naturally let him in, no words needed. _‘Well, at least he’s locking the door now.’_ he watched Haru took off his shoes and turn the light on for them.

“Ojama-shimasu...” Makoto said out of habit to no one in particular, took off his shoes too and looked around.

He’s standing on the small, enclosed corridor leading to the bathroom to the front, and another door to the living room to his right. He found heaps of unopened boxes with labels on them, stacked neatly right beside the door.

“You haven’t finished unpacking, Haru?”

“Don’t need them.”, Haru answered him from behind the living room door.

He can’t help but chuckle a bit, remembering how he got those boxes in the first place. Makoto’s mom has been helping them with moving, and as soon as she found out that Haru only took two boxes with him; kitchen stuff on one box, clothes and jammers on the other, she scolded him affectionately and start packing all of them for him. _‘You shouldn’t buy what you can bring for free!’_. She had said.

This place is pretty spacious, four hundred square feet with one bedroom, separate restroom and bathroom (with bath tub, of course), a living room, balcony and an open kitchen. When Makoto enters the door to his right, the first thing he saw was Haru putting on his blue apron.

“Why you’re putting that on? It’s 11, Haru!”

Haru just stared at him indifferently like always. “Makoto. You had dinner yet?”

The low grumbling of his stomach does nothing to hide Makoto’s embarrassment.

“Not yet.. I was busy packing and just kind of collapsed on the bed.”, he grinned sheepishly, taking a seat at Haru’s dinner table, watching his best friend cooking in silence. Even with all those ready to eat restaurant nearby, Haru still prefers to cook by himself. _‘That’s just so Haru.’_ Makoto thought, smiling to himself.

“Haru, should we try that ramen shop outside sometime? It looks pretty good.”

“... no. It’s too much trouble.”

 _Ah... must be too crowded._ Makoto thought.

Haru left the window beside the dining table open, and Makoto spaced out, staring to the building and night lights outside. He can hear the dim honks of car faraway, and the typical sound of a city. It’s amazing how different it is; what a different place he and Haru is in, right now.

“It’s surprisingly quiet at night, isn’t it?’, Makoto said, and Haru hummed in agreement.

This feels so familiar... he’s sitting on Haru’s table, enjoying the night air, losing in his own thoughts. Everything else feels new and unfamiliar, but right here, seeing Haru wearing his usual dolphin apron and the fragrance of grilled saba filling the living room, he feels warm and at home. Silently, Makoto is thankful inside for this moment can still exist, and he feels so at peace he let out a smile, followed by a strange, little ache in his chest that he relates with Haru right away. He never knew that happiness can hurt, too.

Haru cook a sweet soy grilled Saba for him, different from his usual traditional Saba Shioyaki. This one is Makoto’s favorite, and he can feel his heart swell a little.

“Thank you, Haru! It’s my favorite.” He said with his usual smile, despite the strange, nagging feeling he tried to ignore.

They started to eat and the silence breaks as Makoto speaks.

“Haru, we’re both in Tokyo now... It feels almost unreal”, He knows it’s obvious, but somehow everything that leads to here feels like a hazy dream, a dream that once Makoto thought won’t ever happen.

“Last year, ever since the moment I realized what my dream was, I always thought I will be alone here.”

Haru stopped eating and stare at him with ominous eyes.

“I was always afraid back then. Last year, in the Obon festival, you remember don’t you?”, Makoto asked him, his demeanor is serious and strangely tense, and Haru froze.

_No._

_Why again? Why now?_

Haru doesn’t want to go back there again, to remember those moments again, but fighting it seems like a fight he will never win, and his mind takes him back to last summer, on the beach, where thousands glowing paper lanterns, fireworks, and painful memories exist.

 

* * *

 

<Last Summer.>

 

The paper lanterns floating calmly, painting spheres of light on the pitch dark of the night.

“How beautiful”, Rei said.

 _‘They really are’,_ Haru thought, without saying it out loud.

On that moment, he feels like he can finally relax. For the first time in these past few weeks, a lot of things have been weighing on his mind. But being here like this with his friends, just being together without swimming like usual really put an ease on his mind.

Haru watch the lantern float one by one, forming a strand of light that leads into the sea. _Next year, I’ll float one for obaasan_ , he thought wistfully.

“Hey, Haru chan?”, Nagisa called him out of his daze.

“Before we swim at nationals, there’s something we want to say. Because i get the feeling we can’t swim as a real team there unless we do.”

_Nagisa looked troubled._

“Haruka-senpai...Both Nagisa-kun and I have admired your swimming for a long time. Watching the way you swim so free and unbound by anything, I found myself wishing I could swim that way, as well.”, Rei stepped forward beside Nagisa and proceed to voices his mind next, looking concerned as well.

Haru listened, and worried about where this will be going.

“... But now that you’re no longer able to swim freestyle, your swimming just isn’t like you anymore.’

_...not like me anymore?_

“We want you to swim in front of the whole world, so that more and more people can see your swimming.”

_The whole world? I don’t need that kind of thing._

“And then, if more and more people were able to see your swimming and be moved like us, and wish they could swim like you, too... I couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful.”

_Be moved? Wish they could swim like me? What does it matter?_

_That’s just what you want; it’s not what I swim for._

_All I want is to swim with you guys._

_Is that a bad thing?_

 “I don’t understand you.”, That’s all he could muster without losing control and said things he’s gonna regret.

So before anyone could say anything else, Haru walks away.

 

* * *

 

 “I thought you’d be here.”

Makoto walked up to Haru’s side, his worried gaze only adds to Haru’s irritation.

“Haru, I... don’t think you can go on this way, either.”

Haru can feel himself stiffen.

“Until now, I thought that if this was what you wanted, it was fine. Because whatever Rin said, I wanted to respect your wishes. But what you said to Rin at regionals...”

_Dream and future, I have none of them._

Yes, Haru can still remember what he said to Rin as clear like it was yesterday, and still feel the same way about until this moment.

“If you truly want to stay as you are, I won’t say anything.”

_It’s not like I have a choice. This now is fine._

“But If it’s just that you can’t find a dream for yourself, I.. would want you to find one.”

Unlike usual, Makoto gentle tone does nothing to ease his frustration. Haru lets a bitter laugh slip out.

“You want me to find one?”

_Do you think I don’t want to find one too, and did nothing all this time?_

_All I know is I want to swim together with all of you. Is that not enough?_

 “Is that really something you can find just by looking for it?”

_Because no matter how hard I think, and searched for it, I never found it._

“Well—“ Haru can hear hesitation in Makoto’s voice.

 _Figures_. _He doesn’t have an answer either._

 “Forget it. I’m done talking about this.”

Haru walks away, intending to end this conversation for good. Because if he stays any longer, he’s afraid of what might happen next. He can feel the wall that holds his emotions together started to crumble, and so he walks faster.

“Wait.”

Haru can feel Makoto’s strong grip around his wrist. He should’ve seen this coming; Makoto would never let him just walk away from this. But this time, Haru will have it his own way.

“Let go!”

Makoto’s grip on him only grows tighter.

“Listen to me!”

_All I did lately was listening to each one of you! But.—_

“However many times I listen, it’s the same! You can’t find a dream just by looking for one! I’m fine with the way things are!”

_Nothing good ever comes out of it... and no answer either! The only thing I have right now is to swim relay with you, why can’t you understand that!?_

“That’s a lie! The truth is, you want to find a dream, too!”, The grip grows tighter again, to the point that it hurts.

“You should find that dream, and go flying into the outside world to follow it! You have the ability to do that!”

_Makoto!? You..._

“Even you’re talking like this!?”

Haru ties to wriggle free, but Makoto’s grip feels like solid iron digging on his skin, the harder he struggles, the tighter it gets.

“Where I swim and who I swim for, I’m free to decide that for myself! And I’m saying I’m fine with the way things are!!”

_What is so wrong about wanting to swim with my all of you!? I’m fine with this, so why things should change!?_

“But you’re not fine!!”

Makoto’s strained, desperate shout leave him aghast. Never once in his life he saw this Makoto before. Never once he sees Makoto this frustrated before.

“You’re not fine! That’s why we’re all telling you this!”

_I’m not... fine...?_

“Nagisa, Rei, and Rin... and me...” Makoto’s voice cracks. Haru stares at him, and struggles to understand what cause Makoto to react like this.  

“It’s because we all love you...”

_Love... me?_

“...because we care about you. Why can’t you understand that!?”

Haru can see his best friend struggling to hold back his tears of frustration, and seeing him like this, Haru can feel his own emotions started to  swell, bigger and bigger inside his chest.

“We want you to find your dream.. to look to the future...”

_THIS AGAIN!?_

 “All you ever do is meddling with everyone! Stop sticking your nose in everyone else’s business!”

_I can’t be what you wanted!! Stop forcing your expectations on me!_

He pushed Makoto back with all his might, anger, and frustration. If he can never walk away, at least this he can do. He needs something, anything to fight everything he’s feeling inside. If not, he’s sure he’s gonna crumble.

“A dream.. a future!? Well, what about yours? Stop going on about people’s futures when you haven’t even decided your own!”

_You don’t have the answer either! So why telling me this, again and again?_

All Haru got next is silence. All he can hear is his own labored breathing, and the wild thumping of his heart.

“Well, say something.”

Makoto suddenly lets go of his hand, which turns it to instant, burning cold despite the warm summer night.

_Why?_

“I _have_ decided.”

_What?_

Makoto looks Haru straight in the eyes; his green orbs are firm and absolute.

“I’m ... going to university in Tokyo.”

The firework goes off in an explosion of million colors.

But what Haru can only hear are Makoto’s words; ringing again and again in his ears.

_Makoto... Tokyo?_

Something, or maybe everything inside him shattered, and for a moment that feels forever, he can’t think or feel anything. He just stood there, staring at Makoto who, with resolve in his eye, looking back straight into his eyes.

_This couldn’t be right.. Makoto is always here. Isn’t he...?_

Haru expected another words from Makoto to follow,   _‘I’m still thinking about it’_ , or ‘ _It’s still just a plan’_ , But the certainty in Makoto’s eyes says otherwise.

Haru doesn’t know these eyes. He stared at them and look for something, anything, everything; worry, concern, smile, or even a hint of warmth, but they’re not there. There’s only a quiet, but deafening resolve, and suddenly Haru feels like he doesn’t know those green eyes anymore. 

His entire body feels cold, extremely cold, and now, the fireworks are deafening, taunting him along with Makoto’s words, threatening to cut him open.

_How can someone who’s a few seconds ago said he loves him now saying he’s gonna leave him?_

_‘It’s meaningless without you!’_

Those words that came from the same person; his best friend, ringing in the back of his mind too, and they mesh together, along with Tokyo, shouting in turns like a siren inside his head. And when the pain kicks in, a burning slit that’s blooming from the very centre of his chest, Haru can only accept it. It’s better than this anyway. He looks at the ground, feeling the cold and pain spiraling out from his chest to his entire body.

He wants Makoto to say something like he always does, something to make it okay again, but what comes after only confirm Haru’s fear, crushing all the hope he has left.

“I meant to tell you sooner, but I just couldn’t find a way to say it.”

_The right time?_

Haru felt his eyes sting and his chest burned. That’s not what he wants to hear, it’s not the comforting words he needs to hear.

“I...”

_NO MORE!!_

“Do whatever you want!!”

He ran as fast as his heavy heart and feet can take him, breathing as fast and hard as he could in hope for the pain to settle down. But as he’s running back on the road alongside the coast, he could still see the same silhouette at the very edge of the beach.

Haru stopped running, bracing himself on the railing, forcing his eyes shut. But the memories keep flooding back, and Makoto from their childhood days is there, stood still, facing the sea, the rising tide was already at his feet. Haru can still remember how he had called out Makoto’s name and ran as fast as he could that day, to reach Makoto, not from him. How things has changed. His balance broke back then, and he fell. He can still remember his frustration too, and his uneasy heart, couldn’t reach Makoto’s side as fast as he could. When he asked Makoto what he is doing, he had said,

_“……I thought of going to a place where Haru isn’t.”_

Haruka’s heart leapt in his chest, fearing what Makoto was trying to do, and what would happen if he found him a little late.

 _“……Why?”_ asking it was all he could muster.

_“Will I be alright even if Haru isn’t here? …..I wanted to make sure of that.”_

Raising his eyebrows, Makoto showed him a lonely smile. And with the same smile, Makoto asked him a question.

_“Would Haru be alright even if I weren’t here?”_

Haru couldn’t lie to Makoto anymore, or to himself.

  _“–– I wouldn’t have looked for you if I were.”_

“ _Right_.”, Makoto told him, and showed him a smile, a smile which Haru needs so desperately right now, when he can’t find anything worth smiling anymore.

“I told you, Makoto.”, Haru said, gripping his chest, trying to pacify the waves of pain that swells again and again, along with his every heartbeat.

_I told you I won’t be okay without you._

_So why?_

_Why now..._

_Even you Makoto, in the end, have changed as well._

Finally giving up, Haruka let the first tears fall, and others that follow after.

 

* * *

 

 


	3. The Changing Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The continuation of Last Summer, and the morning after in Tokyo.

Haru’s house is dark when he went in, but he didn’t even bother to turn on the light.

All he wants right now is some sleep. He’s physically and mentally tired, but everywhere he goes, from room to room, the memories of Makoto in them occupying all his thoughts; In the kitchen when Haru used to cook for him, the living room when they studied together, in his bath where Makoto picked him up in the morning. His ghost is everywhere, all at once. Haru just let the ache washed over him, too tired to fight and feeling too empty to care.

Walking straight to his bedroom, where they spend countless of times doing sleepovers, Haru can feel his presence again. He opened his drawers to get changed, and there it is;Makoto’s old shirt, the one that’s already too small for him to wear now.

It makes Haru realized on that moment that they are in fact, just two separate people. They’re not even family, just two boys who by chance, live near to each other.

_To think that Makoto will always be here is not only wrong; it was delusional, and stupid._

But Makoto is the only one, someone who Haru always believed and has always been there, not even his grandmother, not his mom and dad. In his room, and even on his bed, every memory came crashing at once. Makoto was there, always there, him and his warm, genuine smile. But Makoto’s expression, just a few moments ago, filled with frustration, pain and sadness is something that Haru had never seen before, and it occurs to him that he’s the one who caused it.

That night, Haruka learns to loathe himself.

The world without Makoto is something that Haruka never lived in and don’t know how to live in. And everything; his room, his house, Iwatobi... all reminded him to the fact that everything will never be the same again when the sun rises tomorrow. He’s feeling completely alone, and for the first time, being alone, who used to be his comfort zone, now terrifies him to no ends. He realized that it is because he never knew the true meaning of alone before this night.

So, trying to escape it all, all he could do is curl underneath his blanket, where everything is dark and empty, but still better than this reality he’s in. The pain has started to form into a familiar thing in his chest, and Haruka closed his eyes, trying to breathe and breathe, wishing sleep to come anytime soon.

 

<End of last summer>

 

* * *

 

“Haru?”

He can hear Makoto calling his name, Looking at him in worry from across the table. Haru just realized his mind drifting off right in the middle of a conversation, and he remembered.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”, he said to Makoto, staring down at his grilled mackerel, his appetite gone.

“I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to upset you, Haru.”, Makoto smiled apologetically, “But there’s something important that I haven’t told you yet, and now when we’re already here in Tokyo, I think it’s the right time to—“

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.”, Haru stubbornly refuse. He never wanted to feel like what he felt that day ever again. Even now, remembering it makes his heart ache and the fear started to creep in.

“Haru.”, Makoto starts, looking sincerely into his eyes. “That night, I was gonna ask you to come with me.”

_What...?_

_But you said..._

Haru looked down to the table, too confused to even look up and see Makoto properly.

“You cut me off and ran away before I had the chance to ask the question. It’s my fault, I guess. I hesitated too much. It’s just one thing that I want you to know. I just.. don’t want you to think that I intended to leave you alone in Iwatobi.”

Haru feels something gentle stirred in his chest. It was a relief, slowly at first, and then comes in a wave. Haru let out his breath that he’s been holding for too long.

“Back then, I was too afraid to say it easily.”, Makoto adds, let out a defeated laugh.

_Afraid of what?_

And as if reading his mind, Makoto answered. “I was afraid you would say no.”

“Back then you look troubled all the time. I thought... if you can’t find your dream, I can try to help you find it. Here in Tokyo, the possibility is endless. Haru always has lots of talent, after all.” Makoto said, smiling at him.  “... If swimming has been too hard on you, it doesn’t have to be so. I always believed you can succeed in anything you put your mind and passion into, so I thought, if you go here with me, you’ll definitely find something.”

_Haru feels so stupid._

“But when Rin took you to Australia _, ‘aah...’_ I thought _. ‘Haru would definitely find something there’_.” Makoto smiled and looked up to the ceiling, as if remembering an unpleasant memory.

“And when you told me about your dream, it was a great relief, honestly. I’m very thankful to Rin for that. He does a much better job to pull you forward, after all. He always is.” Makoto gives him a different kind of smile, the one that Haru never seen before. And somehow, it makes him feels a bit sad.

“I’m glad, but also can’t help but hate myself a little. If only I can express myself properly that night, I—“

Makoto lets out a shaky, nervous laugh. And after a long pause, he swallowed, like trying to swallow back the words he already had on the tip of his tongue.

“... I always thought back then, that you’ll definitely go to Australia.”

Haru was in fact thinking about it. He was scouted from there too, after all.

“So when you told me you’re going to Tokyo too, I can’t believe my ears. I knew what my dream is already back then, and I will do anything to chase after it, but honestly, I still don’t know whether I can do it alone. So when you said you’re coming too, I’m actually really happy.”

Haru felt exactly the same way, even after finding what he wanted to do next in his life. Before making the decision, Haru had weigh everything, the pros and cons, but whatever he did, he still can’t shake the feelings that Tokyo is the right choice, always the right choice after all. Even when he didn’t know that Makoto never meant to leave him yet, he chose to believe.

_‘It’s meaningless without you.’_

Those are the words from Makoto he chose to believe, and with that, his decision is clear.

Haru can still remember Makoto’s smile that day, right after he told him his decision; it’s the one that caused his heart to stir, and he knew he made the right choice right then. And right now, when Haru finally be able to face Makoto properly again, he gave him the same smile he did that day.

 “Haru... I’m glad that you’re here with me. Thank you.”

And for Makoto, the smile Haru gave back to him after worth a little more than everything he got, probably even more.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Makoto woke up with a start from the ringing of his cell phone. The sun is already peeking from the gap of haru’s bedroom curtain, and he sat up groggily, rubbing his eyes and answered. “Hello?”

“Makoto! You’re still sleeping? You have morning class today, don’t you?”,  The concerned voice of his mother snapped his eyes open, more from embarassment than annoyance.

“Mom, I want to talk to onii-chan!”, he can hear Ran’s voice. “Not fair, me too!”, Ren’s followed.

“These two has been pestering me since yesterday to call you—Ran, Ren! Stop tugging at my shirt! Okay, okay—“

Makoto can hear the receiver got handed over, and the cheerful voice of Ran greeted him. “Onii-chan!! I miss you! How is Tokyo?? I asked mom to take me there this weekend, but she won’t let me!”, she whines.

“How’s Haru-chan? Do you like you school? You still sit next to each other, right?”

Makoto laughs to himself, being bombarded by that many question all at once.

“I miss you both too, Ran. Tokyo is good, there’s a lot of people here—“

“Really? That’s cool!”, Ren answered. It seems like he managed to snatch the receiver away from his sister. “And Haru, well.... we’re in university now, it’s different from school. We’re going to two different places, so we can’t really sit to each other anymore.”, saying it aloud from his own mouth, despite the obvious fact, is a bit harder than he expected.

“Eh? Why? That sucks!”, it’s Ran again now, and Makoto laughed good naturedly. “Yes, it really is.”, sounding more honest than he meant to be.

 

* * *

 

On their walk to the station together, Makoto looks around the alley and thinks Shibuya in the morning is pretty normal. People go out from their houses to work and some others water their plants, and it’s still quite peaceful. The difference is Shibuya has this different vibe and energy that wakes him up instantly, compared to the still, calming Iwatobi mornings which just lull him back to bed. He inhaled the fresh air morning, and smiled.

“Thanks for the breakfast, Haru.”

“Aa.”

“Sorry about Ran and Ren, by the way. They chewed out your ears early in the morning, huh?”, Makoto laughed. They both have been bugging him to talk to Haru too as soon as they knew Makoto is sleeping over in his place earlier.

Haru just said it’s okay, and Makoto always fond of how Haru’s expression and overall demeanor got soften when it comes to Ran and Ren, with a rare little smile on the corner of his lips.

“They actually asked me about the differences between school and university.”, Haru said, looking somewhat amused. Makoto giggled softly.

“Really? What did you tell them?”

“I honestly don’t see that much of a difference either, so I told them I don’t know. It’s pretty much the same, but the pool is bigger”

Makoto laughed again, and thought this is the same walk they already had forever, only with different place, different sky, and different atmosphere. Even the T-shirt he’s wearing is the old t-shirt he got at Haru’s place for sleepovers, which Haru had packed and bring to Tokyo with him. But the walk to the station is far shorter than the walk they had back in Iwatobi, and only after a short while they already arrived at the crossing. And in the bright light of the morning, he can see them; there they are, just two people in the crowd. But it feels right, and Makoto looks at Haru, who just stared blankly somewhere at the crowd.

_He used to look at the ocean like this._

And when Makoto find himself lost in trying to figure out what Haru is thinking by watching his every little gestures, the light turns green and the crowd move forward.

“I’m going that way.”, Haru said, pointing to his right, and Makoto just realized that they have to go separate ways in the crossing. Makoto can feel uneasiness and worry starting to creep in.

“—Ah, okay!”, he said, a bit flustered, don’t really know what to say yet.

“Bye.”, and just like that, Haru walks away.

“....Haru!”, Makoto called out to him, and Haru stops in the middle of the crowd, turning back to him with questioning eyes.

“See you later! Take care, okay?”

Haru still looks at him, between the moving crowd, and Makoto knows Haru’s sensing something is wrong; he must be sounded more worried than he wants to let on. So Makoto smiles, and wave at Haru.

“You too.”, Haru said and continue forward, and Makoto felt it; the short, little stin in his chest that he tried to ignore with a goodbye smile, but making itself felt more and more apparent as he watch Haru moving away farther and farther in the crowd, and finally gone from view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I knew I promised the second chapter will be longer, but it turns out to be too long, so I had to split it into two chapters.   
> These two chapters for me is painful terrifying to write... But I had to. Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I wrote it, and I’ll always love to hear your thoughts and opinion.  
> See you next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Can't believe I haven't been writing for 6 full years!  
> I hope you guys enjoy it, and sorry for the short chapter. It's only a warm up, the next one will be definitely longer.  
> Thanks for reading, and comments will be really appreciated!


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